00:11:14 Vlada Tomova: Definitely! 00:22:02 Sophie Jane Hardy: Yes, fear of harming or negatively effecting my client holds me back form sharing truth regularly. I long to move through this. 00:23:36 sidsel (she/her): Me too! 00:24:15 Lisa Scott: Yes Sophie…I feel the same 00:25:25 Rachel Alva (she/they): ^^ how do we distinguish between our ethical obligation to avoid harming our clients and times when reflecting truth is uncomfortable but helpful? 00:26:32 sidsel (she/her): To feel comfortable with the client being uncomfortable seems particularly difficult when one has been part of creating the discomfort..! 00:26:46 Sophie Jane Hardy: Great questions Rachel 00:26:53 Barbara Daughter: great question Rachel 00:26:59 Alta Felix: I can totally relate to that Sophie! 00:27:20 Randa Sultan: definitely fear of hurting or harming the client and really wanting to avoid "conflict"... 00:27:23 Kelly Lubeck (she/her): Sophie, I can relate to this for sure - always want to avoid causing harm. 00:27:27 Gregg Berman: I had a client recently with whom i brought an awareness. T 00:28:40 Michelyn.com (MIKE-uh-lin): May sound weird, but I love holding space for clients when they are uncomfortable. Then as they resolve the discomfort and find a new truth for themselves, I can feel the shift and move with them through it, creating acceptance and even celebrating the newness of it. These are the most powerful moments of coaching for me. 00:28:58 Carmen Miranda: definitely fear of harming the client or having them be mad at me and shut down when faced with truth. I've always had a fear of confrontation and this brings up those similar feelings for me. Something that I am working thorugh in my personal life 00:29:11 Randa Sultan: Wow @michelyn that is amazing - how do we hold space through the discomfort 00:29:21 Randa Sultan: and how long do we "let them sit in it"? 00:29:38 Kelly Lubeck (she/her): I also find that I love sharing the truths in ways that are reflected so positively, truths they aren’t seeing, and clients love and appreciate this from me, but it definitely can be more challenging when it’s when things seem less obviously positive. I’ve had a few circumstances where people were very resistant or defensive and that’s left me a bit contracted the next time I want to do it. 00:29:56 Randa Sultan: @kelly yes me too! 00:30:09 MaryAnn: Of course we don’t want to make clients feel uncomfortable…and there are ways to reframe and set the expectation that growth is inherently sometimes uncomfortable (in appropriate measure, of course.) When I tell my clients up front that I’m going to tell them the truth vs. what they want to hear, they have always appreciated the moments when I have had to help them see a truth. Especially when they see it in contrast to what might have been holding them back. It’s a beautiful transformation and release. 00:30:14 Joanna Lindenbaum (she/her): o What fears come up for you when you consider sharing hard truths as you see them? 00:30:17 Veronica Jensen: That I'll be wrong about them 00:30:26 Magali: fear of denial 00:30:40 Jacque Alderete: That I'll be judged 00:30:40 Lisa Scott: will I loose them as a client? 00:30:44 Carla Sanders: Yes, that I am wrong, or it is my filter not their truth. 00:30:46 MaryAnn: Sometimes it can be a challenge to measure how much the client can handle. 00:30:48 Alta Felix: that I'll be wrong 00:30:49 Sophie Jane Hardy: That I’ll disrupt their process 00:30:49 Joli Knott: People pleaser here—that they won’t like me anymore! 00:30:51 Randa Sultan: rejection, that the client gets mad at me 00:30:54 amy palatnick: Getting stuck in a relationship tangle (transference), having the client not like me 00:30:55 Brenda: They won’t like me 00:30:56 Angela Stringhini: The relativity of the truth 00:31:00 Carla Sanders: And the old stand by: they won’t like me 00:31:04 Barbara Daughter: the client will “shut-down” in response and diminish trust between us 00:31:06 melissa k: 1. That they will pull away/resent me 2. What if I am seeing things from my worldview and off base 00:31:08 Maya Redding: That they’ll think I’m giving generic reflections due to their resistance. 00:31:13 Kelly Lubeck (she/her): Fear of their anger/ defensiveness or that they will reject me 00:31:18 Sophie Jane Hardy: Me too @Joli 00:31:24 Rachel Alva (she/they): That the revelation will explode their life but I’m not able to help them pick up the pieces 00:31:42 Annelise Pesa: Am I wrong? Am I projecting ?? 00:31:54 Joli Knott: @Sophie 💙 00:32:04 sidsel (she/her): @Rachel, that’s me too 00:32:10 Jacque Alderete: what do you mean by "truth"? 00:32:13 Joanna Lindenbaum (she/her): o How often was truth named in your family growing up? o How was the truth shared? Was it supportive or not supportive? 00:32:19 amy palatnick: Never LOL 00:32:21 melissa k: Truth sent like arrows 00:32:22 Kelly Lubeck (she/her): Truth was not allowed… truth tellers punished… 00:32:26 Veronica Jensen: I don't know if it was ever named... it seemed like every individual had their own truth and those were often weaponized or thrown at each other 00:32:28 Lisa Scott: never…brushed under carpet 00:32:47 aiyana: Truth spoken punished severely 00:32:48 MaryAnn: Oh Kelly, me too. 00:32:52 Sophie Jane Hardy: Often not shared, but when it was, it was quite shaming 00:32:52 Rachel Alva (she/they): Same as Kelly…truth warranted punishment 00:32:53 Brenda: Not named and Not supportive - 00:32:56 Angela Stringhini: Very often and very supportive. We were encouraged to tell the truth and had conversations about it. Type of reflections. 00:32:58 Aafke: either screamed or hidden 00:33:04 Carla Sanders: Truth was authoritarian. Obey. And sharing truth took form of criticism 00:33:06 Gregg Berman: Oops, that last message was not complete. I had a client recently with whom i brought an awareness. It was helpful though at the end of the session they acknowledged that they felt defensiveness when i brought that awareness. While to me that seemed understandable that they would have defensiveness as a normal part of the process, I wondered if either there was another way to bring the awareness and what to say to the client once they said they felt defensive. I thought of sharing “that defensiveness seems reasonable” but something in the energy of the client had me fear that would be putting me above them in some way which was not my intention. 00:33:14 Magali: i grew up in a gaslightning environment 00:33:15 Randa Sultan: a lot of "white lies" and hiding in the household. The truth could result in anger and rage 00:33:32 Maria's iPad (2): Wrapped in cotton 00:33:32 Alta Felix: I was very vocal about speaking my truth and I was the only one allowed to do so as a kid. Often it would come from a space of frustration. However, it wasn't well received and I would experience push back. 00:33:49 Annelise Pesa: Truth was a disturber of peace or provoking rage 00:34:08 sidsel (she/her): Resulting in a fight about the story, who owns the story - the fight would go on until one part, the weakest, was like dead/silenced 00:34:16 Carmen Miranda: truth was held until it bubbled up to the surface and exploded 00:34:19 Barbara Daughter: I’ll have to ponder this a lot more … 00:34:29 Vlada Tomova: Was supposed to be universal for us all, authoritarianly told us from the elders! 00:34:32 Emily Golden, MCC (she/her): Dad said the truth as he saw it with little empathy. Mom rarely told the truth bc she didn't want to hurt the other person 00:34:42 Kendra Woods: Truth was being seen as you were wrong, inconvenient, not good enough…which for me led to learning how to not trust myself. 00:35:00 Carmen Miranda: truth=trouble in my family 00:35:10 Joanna Lindenbaum (she/her): o Do you have experiences of being told a hard truth but having it delivered with love and compassion? If yes, what is important about that? 00:35:50 amy palatnick: my best friend and I do this for each other regularly. often i harden at first, defensively, and then come around. 00:35:53 sidsel (she/her): Still being loved and whole despite what the truth says about me 00:35:56 Rachel Alva (she/they): My identity and sense of belonging were never threatened in those situations 00:36:04 Michelyn.com (MIKE-uh-lin): No, I did not. I've learned it on my own from others as an adult 00:36:06 Angela Stringhini: Yes, and it was all about embracing how different we were/are…. It was good to accept each other 00:36:28 Sophie Jane Hardy: Several mentors in my life - it shows me that they believe in me and want me to fully express myself and it makes me trust myself (and them) more. 00:36:29 Aiyana : Not in my family, but with others. There have been times when a hard truth brought up pain and defense, where it felt like an attack. Most of the time these days, hearing hard truths feels joyful and expansive to me. I bow to the wisdom and feel grateful (most of the time, lol) 00:36:47 Kelly Lubeck (she/her): Now I have with dear friends - but not with family. In recent years, I’ve been trying to integrate it gently into some of my family relations - mixed results 🙂 00:37:13 Angela Stringhini: Problem is today that I was os encouraged to tell the truth, that today when I spoke my mind, people get a bit scared… it is not seen as good as it was seen with my family 00:37:17 Lisa Scott: withdrawal 00:37:17 Joanna Lindenbaum (she/her): o What role does getting defensive play for you in your own reactions to being confronted with truth or feedback 00:37:44 Aiyana : Getting defensive shows up as dissociation/shut-down and inner self attack (which I am practicing transforming) 00:37:50 Magali: shame can come up 00:37:52 Jacque Alderete: It's protective - it's like it's protecting my ego from dying, haha 00:37:53 Aafke: Confirms my I’m not good enough - withdraw, give up, shutdown 00:38:13 Randa Sultan: It protects me and lets me live in my delusional optimism a bit longer. If I accepted the hard truths then I would see the world in a negative way as others around me did. 00:38:17 Gregg Berman: That is changing over time. I used to be very defensive because i felt somehow i was being wronged or not good enough. Over time i’ve learned to see it as feedback though i can still internally feel some initial defensiveness 00:38:27 sidsel (she/her): Fighting back 00:38:28 Annelise Pesa: Feeling rejected 00:38:35 Alta Felix: I can feel my body start heating up lol and my face tingles A LOT 00:38:36 Veronica Jensen: It depends on the giver, on the delivery, and on how resourced I am at the time. Can show up as anger, shame, fear of loss 00:38:44 Lisa Scott: They are wrong and I am right 00:38:54 Randa Sultan: undermines my confidence 00:39:00 Carla Sanders: Defensiveness is my default filter for feedback, especially hard feedback, and even positive to a degree. 00:39:04 Carmen Miranda: feeling embarrassed, not good enough, rejected, or afraid that I've been walking around harming others 00:39:06 Kendra Woods: I used to shut down completely or feel misunderstood. Now I have learned to sit with it and have learned that I will be okay. 00:39:08 Kelly Lubeck (she/her): I often feel I openly invite it - so when I invite it, I’m very open. When not invited, and depending on who’s giving it, I can become upset, shut down, even dissociate… 00:39:36 Joanna Lindenbaum (she/her): o What would you need to believe in order to see your clients as resilient? 00:40:13 Kendra Woods: That my client is strong and capable. She is working with me because she wants to expand and grow. 00:40:14 Barbara Daughter: they are whole and complete & don’t need me to fix them 00:40:26 Kelly Lubeck (she/her): Whole and complete 00:40:30 Lisa Scott: That they feel safe and held in our coaching container 00:40:33 Joli Knott: That they can separate themselves from actions and behaviours to a certain extent... 00:40:39 amy palatnick: Truth always leads to something better They wouldn’t be here if they didn’t want the truth They can take it They came to me for it 00:40:41 Veronica Jensen: That they will be able to do with the truth what they need to, that they know how to integrate 00:40:41 Annelise Pesa: I need to believe that confronting the truth is necessary for growth and they can take it if I do it lovingly and safe 00:40:57 Kelly Lubeck (she/her): They trust me and know that any reflections are coming from love and desire to support them 00:41:06 MaryAnn: I would want to know I had enough rapport built with them, and possibly other evidence of their ability to self reflect on challenging issues and accept all parts of themselves. 00:41:17 Rachel Alva (she/they): I am offering them autonomy in relation to the reflection 00:41:26 Michelyn.com (MIKE-uh-lin): they are resilient in the moment if I can see it in them--visually, verbally, body language, etc. I pay attention to my own intuition about what they are ready for. and then I ask permission in order to open them up 00:41:38 Gregg Berman: well there is the part that wants to know i’m not going to hurt them, they are whole and complete, and there is the part that wants to know they still love me. Even though the goal is not for them to love me there is still the part that fears their love and respect being taken away. 00:41:38 Rachel Alva (she/they): Because they know what’s true from them 00:41:58 Maya Redding: That I am. And to reflect that. And that I believe in their decision to improve regardless if the obstacles. 00:43:11 sidsel (she/her): That they have their own protection, that they have ground, that the truth serves a greater purpose 00:44:04 Aiyana : My clients have repeatedly said things to me like,”If anyone else said anything like that to me, I’d be really upset. But hearing from you makes me feel joyful.” I think this is because I only share these truths when I feel no judgment and only love and joy about it. I would like to empty this skill in my personal relationships—I have much less skill with truth-telling my partner and my son! I feel less attached with clients and it’s easier for me to know they are perfect as they are already. 00:45:14 Barbara Daughter: that’s an amazing observation Aiyana 00:45:49 Barbara Daughter: that’s so wise, Michelyn! 00:46:35 Barbara Daughter: interesting observation @Gregg 00:48:28 Kendra Woods: Annelise what an amazing breakthrough! It speaks to why us doing this work for ourselves is so important. 00:48:50 Annelise Pesa: Yes Kendra- truly, dare to say, amazing 00:48:52 Sophie Jane Hardy: Thank you for sharing this Amy. 00:48:55 Carmen Miranda: I resonate with this big time Amy 00:49:01 Aiyana : Yes, what a gorgeous breakthrough and commitment, Anneslise! 00:49:21 Barbara Daughter: thanks for that vulnerable share, dear Amy 00:49:23 Annelise Pesa: Thanks Aiyana x 00:49:24 Aiyana : Amy, I feel so touched by your share! Taking that in and loving holding for you 00:49:58 sidsel (she/her): Thank you, @Amy 00:50:27 Aiyana : @Amy, your share opened awareness in me, too. I imagine many people had a similar experience. Thank you for this brave insight 00:51:13 Michelyn.com (MIKE-uh-lin): I was born into an alien family! Thank God for coaching and healing--you are my peeps! 00:52:19 Joli Knott: @Michelyn 💜 00:52:20 Aiyana : @Michelyn 😄 You’re awesome 00:53:01 Sophie Jane Hardy: 💚Michelyn 00:53:21 MaryAnn: Yes, Michelyn 🌻 00:53:22 Kelly Lubeck (she/her): @Amy, I so appreciate your share as well. I have been having a similar awareness to my upbringing and how it relates to how I can share truth - and where it feels safe/ unsafe/ where it’s taken great levels of courage to share - and how much unwinding I’ve had to do (and am still doing…). Thank you! 00:53:34 amy palatnick: thank you everyone <3 00:54:27 Joanna Lindenbaum (she/her): What is my client NOT seeing, accepting or fully embracing that would create a shortcut to their growth or results? 00:54:29 Carla Sanders: Appreciating all your insights and experiences. I am seeing how much avoiding hard truth or feedback affects me, because my family understood criticism, and didn’t believe in praise or uplifting. 00:55:44 MaryAnn: Carla, I so relate to that. ❤️ 00:56:44 AJ Frenzel: oof 00:56:53 Randa Sultan: If you are wrong doesn't that allow for the trust between us to be lost? 00:57:30 Sophie Jane Hardy: Joanna, can you say more about ‘guruing’ the client… I’m not sure I understand 00:59:18 Aiyana : Sometimes hearing what feels ‘not right’ or ‘not true’ gives client space to feel into what IS right and true for them in the moment 00:59:39 Joli Knott: Love that @Aiyana! 01:00:01 Veronica Jensen: Yes, Aiyana, love that. I've experienced that as a client myself. 01:00:02 Rachel Alva (she/they): YES, Aiyana! I’ve had that experience as a client 01:00:28 Randa Sultan: "you know what your problem is"... this is EXACTLY the wording my mom still uses to this day.... 01:00:48 Sophie Jane Hardy: Woah! 01:00:51 Carla Sanders: Also gaslighting! 01:00:53 amy palatnick: so it’s burying yourself 01:00:55 Vlada Tomova: WOW 😄 @Joanna!!! 01:00:57 amy palatnick: guru-ing 01:01:05 Barbara Daughter: @Joanna - that would be laughable if it weren’t so BAD! 01:01:15 Joli Knott: YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS? YOU CAN’T HANDLE TELLING THE TRUTH! 😅😂 01:01:16 Isa Beaulieu (she/her): That's so gross, Joanna! 01:04:34 Aiyana : Lol, Joli! 😆 01:06:00 Joli Knott: (Thanks, Aiyana—sorry for the bad joke!) 01:07:42 melissa k: I've had someone say that exact thing to me, "You know what your problem is...." and I was totally repelled. Especially given that it came out of left field, unsolicited! Reinforcing that the energetics of loving space and regard for the client is of primary importance. 01:08:34 Veronica Jensen: I feel tension in myself between wanting to offer the "I THINK I just heard you say..." as a softener, and also holding that women often devalue ourselves by adding qualifiers like that into our communication. I'm sitting with the question of if there's a way we can honor the client's sovereignty while communicating without potentially devaluing ourselves. 01:10:41 Aiyana : I ask clients if they want to hear the reflection that is coming up for me. I have found that they almost always say yes immediately without checking in with themselves. In these moments, I also notice that they “double signal” (that they verbally say yes but their body says no via tension or head shake or unintentional grimace). When I go ahead and share from the verbal yes when the body says no, it hasn’t been that well received. There’s a lot of healing that can unfold when I notice the double signal and lovingly bring client’s attention to that. We generally laugh together and relax about it. 01:11:14 Barbara Daughter: that’s powerful deep listening, Aiyana! 01:11:15 Sophie Jane Hardy: Love that Aiyana 01:11:18 Rachel Alva (she/they): Veronica, that’s a delicious topic. 01:11:31 Veronica Jensen: Powerful noticing, Aiyana. Consent that isn't really consent. 01:11:34 Kendra Woods: Aiyana that’s amazing and really powerful! 01:11:48 Michelyn.com (MIKE-uh-lin): Aiyana that is awesome, "Double language." I'm going to take that one into my toolbox! 01:11:56 Barbara Daughter: great reflection @Veronica 01:12:23 MaryAnn: Aiyana, wow, great insight. 01:12:51 Aiyana : Double signaling is something I learned from Arnie and Amy Mindell via Process Oriented Psychology (to give them credit for the term and awareness) 01:13:30 Joli Knott: Thanks for sharing that piece of wisdom & insight, Aiyana 💜 01:19:20 Annelise Pesa: Can you give an example of personal anedcote?? 01:20:30 Kelly Lubeck (she/her): @Bredna, I have Be willing to be wrong. 01:20:38 amy palatnick: maybe: I think I just heard you share something pretty big and potentially edgy. Can I share it with you? 01:20:44 Gregg Berman: If i’m understanding correctly what she shared about getting onstage is an example of a personal anecdote. 01:21:01 Aiyana : I love that, Amy 01:21:02 Sophie Jane Hardy: Brenda: I think I heard something that you may or may not be aware of, may I share it? 01:21:06 Isa Beaulieu (she/her): @Brenda...I have "How might this relate to your situation?" as the last step. 01:22:00 Vlada Tomova: +1 01:22:01 Brenda: Thank you 01:23:55 Kelly Lubeck (she/her): @Aiyana, so great on the double messaging - thank you for sharing the resource! 01:25:50 Michelyn.com (MIKE-uh-lin): OMG This is therapy! and it's not enough... 01:27:19 Aiyana : I have a dear friend who does not receive reflection or feedback well at all. She does a great job giving reflection and feedback, and I appreciate her reflections. Over the years, I have found the only way I can offer her another perspective (when she is needing it but unwilling to take it in directly) is by telling her an anecdote that provides reflection on her dilemma. I don’t say anything about it potentially relating to her. I let it be something where she is 100% in control of what is reflected back to her. It works really well in our relationship and she has made many beautiful shifts from reflecting on these shares. 01:27:34 amy palatnick: i always get chills when a truth is revealed 01:27:56 Aiyana : Me too, Amy 🙂 01:28:27 Joli Knott: In nervous system talk, this is called attunement and is how a baby’s nervous system gets myelinated 🙂 01:28:28 Aiyana : Reflecting these truth chills is a wonderful way to pause and take these moments in and celebrate them 01:29:00 Barbara Daughter: yes @Joli 01:29:04 Emily Golden, MCC (she/her): Excellent session today. Thanks all! 01:29:06 Barbara Daughter: and @Aiyaa 01:29:12 Barbara Daughter: oops Aiyana 01:29:18 Aiyana : Reflecting hard truth is the one I find myself resisting, so I will practice this. 01:29:19 Kendra Woods: This was SO good!! 01:29:38 MaryAnn: My hope and dream for the week: an opportunity to practice a zinger question. 🙂 01:29:39 Angela Stringhini: Thank you so much! What a valuable session, it made me to understand my relationship with trust 01:29:50 Carla Sanders: How important the simple spacious language is for reflecting truths. 01:29:50 Maria's iPad (2): This is so rewarding! 01:29:51 Aiyana : Thank you, Joanna, this was wonderful and much to reflect on 01:29:52 Kendra Woods: I am taking away that I am more than capable of delivering truth with love and that my clients are strong and capable enough to receive them. 01:29:57 Sophie Jane Hardy: My takeaway. I can share truth without creating harm 01:29:58 AJ Frenzel: Takeaways: Be willing to be wrong, ask permission 01:29:59 Kelly Lubeck (she/her): This was fabulous, thank you so much, Joanna! 01:30:01 Rachel Alva (she/they): Takeaway: Listen for the double messaging (thanks Aiyana!) 01:30:02 Joli Knott: Thank you so much for today! 01:30:06 Barbara Daughter: Wonderful time today! Thanks everyone! 01:30:07 Isa Beaulieu (she/her): Thank you Joanna & Everyone! 01:30:08 Nell Reid: Wonderful! Thank you Joanna! 01:30:08 sidsel (she/her): Thank you!